Idiot Money
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  • #1: The correlation between having money, managing it well, and living a good life
  • #2: Don’t know where to begin sorting out your finances? It’s not where you think it is
  • #3: Your relationship with money is complex. But it needn't be complicated.
  • #4: Spending £450k on being bad parents
  • #5: Idiot Profile: Private-Jet Guy
  • #6: What the bloody hell is a ‘relationship with money’ anyway?
  • #7: What fund managers can teach us about what really matters
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  • #9: Idiot Profile: An oligarch with a gun
  • #10: If Kanye West were a financial adviser
  • #11: If all the world's a stage, then what does it matter where you stand?
  • #12: Financial Independence: An (Actual) Idiot’s Guide
  • #13: Let’s talk about money, baby
  • #14: New Year's Non-Idiotic Financial Resolutions
  • #15: New year, old message
  • #16: "Just tell me what to do"
  • #17: How to choose better investments
  • #18: You cannot count. This leads you to make idiotic financial decisions.
  • #19: What's your number?
  • #20: 7 magnificent money lessons that have nothing to do with money
  • #21: The merits of money are negative
  • #22: The psychoanalysis of money, or How to screw up your children’s financial worldview
  • #23: The ghosts of money... and how to bust them
  • #24: My favourite way to think about investing, part 1
  • #25: The ABC of money, part 1: the three self-deceptive poisons
  • #26: Consider the pineapple: the perfect symbol of idiot money
  • #27: The ABC of money, part 2: financial nobility, an overview
  • #28: My favourite way to think about investing, part 2
  • #29: The ABC of money, part 3: financial nobility, step 1
  • #30: My favourite way to think about investing, part 3
  • #31: The ABC of money, part 4: financial nobility, step 2
  • #32: The idiocy of ignoring impermanence (the ABC of money, part 5)
  • #33: The six financial stress responses: what's yours?
  • #34: My favourite way to think about investing, part 4: betting beyond the basics
  • #35: The ABC of money, part 6: financial nobility, step 3
  • #36: My favourite way to think about investing, part 5: cost-benefit investing
  • #37: The ABC of money, part 7: financial nobility, step 4
  • #38: The best diet advice and the best financial advice are the same
  • #39: The ABC of money, part 8: The Eightfold Path and interdependence
  • #40: The dance of becoming wiser with money
  • #41: Building a better money brain (the ABC of money, part 9: neuroplasticity)
  • #42: The dumbest damn thing I’ve ever read in personal finance (part 1)
  • #43: The dumbest damn thing I’ve ever read in personal finance (part 2)
  • #44: A story of lions and loss
  • #45: The ABC of money, part 10: what meditation isn’t
  • #46: The ABC of money, part 11: what meditation is
  • #47: Idiot Profiles: Lord and Lady Jewellery Addiction, Teenage Ozymandias, and me
  • #48: Living mindfully with money (the ABC of money, part 12)
  • #49: Give, give, give, me more, more, more
  • #50: Our most costly money problems are the ones we don't see
  • #51: Align what you care for with what you care about
  • #52: Do what only you can do
  • #53: Money for many means happily ever after… but after what?
  • #54: The ABC of money, part 13: financial enlightenment
  • #55: Identifying your hidden money addictions
  • #56: Treating your hidden money addictions
  • #57: Idiot Money Maths #1: How much does it cost to keep you happy?
  • #58: The ABC of money, part 14: the secret shackles of financial freedom
  • #59: The ABC of money, part 15: freedom to, freedom from, freedom for
  • #60: If you go there blindfolded, you probably won’t like where you end up
  • #61: Idiot Money Maths #2: What is your default unit of spending?
  • #62: Balance isn’t stillness
  • #63: A problem shared
  • #64: How to live well, even in a palace (the ABC of money, part 16)
  • #65: Denunciation is still attachment (the ABC of money, part 17)
  • #66: “What do Blackheath people do?” (a story about how not to do financial planning)
  • #67: The ABC of money, part 18: Addicted to a dream
  • #68: What hot new financial knowledge are you likely to find in 2022?
  • #69: Red Pill Financial Planning: Escaping the Money Matrix
  • #70: The nasty narrowness of number-governed living
  • #71: Getting into Financial Flow
  • #72: The ABC of money, part 19: Denunciation bad, renunciation good
  • #73: I, Robot? Money and the misleading mechanisation of life choices
  • #74: Kondo your credit-card statements
  • #75: The rule of 72 (and its oft-overlooked implications)
  • #76: Forget about improving your decisions. Focus on improving your decision-making skills
  • #77: Seeing your financial world more clearly (the ABC of money, part 20)
  • #78: How to lose 2 1/2 stone in 6 months: an intro to the best non-fiction book I've ever read
  • #79: Your money worldview is (literally) half-brained
  • #80: Cost-consciousness beats cost-cutting
  • #81: Financial change that doesn’t start from your financial worldview is selling you short
  • #82: The overlooked truth of reality that is messing up how you live with money
  • #83: How money hijacks your hierarchy of attention
  • #84: The value of (almost) everything to you is nothing
  • #85: Financial philosophy > Financial psychology > Hot investment tips
  • #86: Five regrets of the rich
  • #87: Sum malfunction: a sure-fire way to spot if you’re being a financial idiot
  • #88: The Micawber Fallacy, or what your Dickensian maths misses about spending wisely
  • #89: The tell-tale signs of a poor financial worldview
  • #90: Wanting wisdom, craving financial fortune cookies
  • #91: You don’t need a scammer to be scammed: your desperation for an ‘answer’ will do almost as well
  • #92: Are you reading the wine list the wrong way around?
  • #93: Some personal finance puzzles and how not to solve them
  • #94: The main reason your relationship with money is so messed up
  • #95: The tyranny of the takeaway
  • #96: Deep wealth v shallow wealth
  • #97: What seeing your financial life more clearly looks like
  • #98: Making more of your money isn’t a maths problem
  • #99: Is what you’re doing for and with money working?
  • #100: Where to start, where to go, what to do about what’s stopping you
  • #101: The life cycle of a financial idiot
  • #102: I can read your financial mind
  • #103: Don’t worry about playing a game better when there’s a better game to play
  • #104: Reflections on two years of this newsletter, and why I’m taking a six-month break
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#11: If all the world's a stage, then what does it matter where you stand?

30th November, 2020

Previous#10: If Kanye West were a financial adviserNext#12: Financial Independence: An (Actual) Idiot’s Guide

Last updated 4 years ago

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Welcome to the Idiot Money newsletter. The newsletter that does its own stunts.

This week: becoming wiser with money by understanding that circumstances are your stage, not your script.

‘We like to make people feel at home here,’ I say to Mark, as he slumps into and then shifts about in his chair. His eyes flick from phone, to window, to whiteboard, with no concern for subtlety, like a crap spy scoping out his surroundings, or a fugitive getting ready to run.

Of all the clients to whom I’ve offered any sort of helping financial hand in the last few years, Mark is the one I’ve most longed to meet. From his glamorous career both on and behind the screen, to his objectively interesting close companions, to the inside story of what his wealth did to the inside of his head, he’s a fascinating fellow. Being averse to both meetings in general, and meetings in offices in particular, and now spending most of his life in America, I’ve had to be patient.

Mark’s eyes scan back to his phone, then to my boss, then finally to me. He’s slowly settling from the top down. The head is now still, but the fingers continue to fidget, and I swear I can feel the floor vibrating from a thumping foot.

‘I can only assume that talking to me and’ – with a gesture towards my boss – ‘him, across a boardroom table in London is much the same as sipping cocktails under and with the stars in the Hollywood Hills…’

I don’t know Mark that well yet. The second I start to speak, I feel uncomfortably conspicuous. Creepy gossip columnist was not the look I was going for. Mark responds with an almost imperceptible eye-roll that says either he isn’t sure if I’m joking, or he knows I am, but thinks it’s a damn terrible joke.

‘Seriously,’ I stutter on, ‘you’ve been in Hollywood a few years now. The family’s settled into your dream mansion. And if meetings with moviestars are a decent metric, it sounds like “breaking America” is gaining traction, while the money’s still rolling in from your UK projects…’

Mark cuts me off. ‘It’s all circumstances,’ he says, with a sort of friendly disdain, before lurching more enthusiastically into words it feels like he’s repeated often enough to qualify as a mantra.

‘All the stuff – the house, the money, the moviestars – it’s all circumstances. Life – mine, Anna’s, the children’s – they’re really no better or worse with or without them. There’s more, er, surface-level excitement perhaps, but there’s also more time spent faffing around with, y’know, architects, builders, accountants, security people… investment people,’ he says, with a smirk.

‘As for the stars,’ he continues, ‘you can get a meeting with anyone… once. That can be pretty cool. But the novelty soon wears off. And if you don’t have something useful to offer them, there’s no second meeting, nor any more firsts with anyone they know. If LA teaches you anything, it’s that you can have all the money in the world, but unless you’ve got something to do with it, it’s often just a cue for wasting time.’

I know Mark is friends with a few celebrity stoics, but I’m still surprised to hear how well it’s rubbed off on him, especially given some of his life choices (and indeed how championing stoic virtues tends to be an indication of their absence). There’s a lot of mental and physical effort (not to mention money) gone in to proving his ‘just circumstances’ theory.

‘That’s great to hear. Superb, really. I’d love to record that and play it on repeat to goodness knows how many of our other clients, let alone find a way to implant such thoughts into those that sacrifice everything chasing those circumstances… I have to ask, though: how do you square such thinking with your continuing keenness to see your net worth hit the £20m mark? Especially as that mark changes with the dollar:pound exchange rate, the shifting subjective and sporadic valuation of your houses… and the knowledge you’ll blast way past it in any case when the cash from the latest show comes in.’

‘Hah. Fair point. I guess I can’t. It’s pretty daft, I suppose. It’s something to do, I guess… and it’s definitely better than nothing. And it’s obviously a lot better than it was. You know about–‘

‘I do,’ I say, seeing no need to dwell on past impostor-syndrome troubles, especially as I’m told he’s previously made it pretty clear that’s his therapist’s job, not my boss’s, or mine.

‘I guess there’s still a bit of that floating about… still feeling the need to wear the badges, even though I know deep down they don’t mean shit. I’m reading Alain de Botton’s Status Anxiety at the moment. He makes the point that however well one may grasp the nonsense at a given point, because everything – us, the world – is shifting all the time, it’s incredibly easy to fall back to the default of letting society determine our significance, consciously or otherwise, even when we know it's crap.’

‘Neither. It’s just circumstances.’

I stave off the urge to both share some of my favourite quotes from that book, and recommend a thousand others in the process by asking a follow-up: ‘Is it perhaps easier to be more perspectival about the whole charade when you own all the stuff? Because you know experientially it’s ? Or does it make it harder because there’s so much more opportunity to add to those lingering clouds of impostor syndrome?’

always about the narrative, not the numbers